You are chocolate with mint
after hours
alit on my pillow
magically decadent
gifted moments
saved for days
what would have been digested
savored
sanctified.
This is not a fancy hotel
beneath the bridge suspension cables
still crusted with snow
city still sleeping
unshaken by day’s start
you rest
I throw away the wrapper
the place we rest together.
The moment you awake
and allow yourself to believe
I should sleep five more minutes
nothing worthwhile will happen in these
The moment you decide to not
tell that stranger how beautiful her family is
on the subway how they embrace
child on hip prepared for the day
The moment you make fun of yourself
for an accolade deep down you think you deserve
but feel too small to own up to
so you play it down, adhere to social cues
The moment you spite her shiny shoes
scoff that such frivolities you wouldn’t stoop to
when really you wish they were strapped to you
along with the purse and the earrings too
The moment someone asks
if the man your dating will be your last
and you hesitate and say we’ll see what happens—
shit, these things weren’t meant to add up to that
Undo, undo, that ephemeral key
apple z, I meant to mean what I said which was
yes, yes I do. I love him I love him
more than fantasy understands.
I am smelling your sock
come out of the drier
I know its smell
this state and not
the way you press your toes
to my breasts sometimes
still makes me uncomfortable
there is something not correct
about this
you scoff
tickle fart
this does not belong in a poem
but we do.
PROBLEM POEM (Revise You Start to Get Mad)
To change you I would need to become you
to become you would be impossible
to change you therefore is out of the cards
Why did I want to change you from the first?
I am the only way I know how to succeed
change does not happen systematically
Beyond me there lies only confusion
what a limited way to see.
The problem is you don’t know to read
reasons the school cannot fix ostensibly
there are families and streets, lack of food
history, building, city, the layout,
lack of hope, lack of trust, lack, lack, lacklust
lack of books, lack of ideas, lack, lacking
luck, lack of message, lack of integration
fulfillment a dream lack long forgotten.
Beyond me there lies only confusion
what a limited way to see.
Morning comes early, days light
what you choose to see, look inside look outside, in between
what’s beneath, the common way things fall,
the breakdown unavoidable
the weight, bear it, take it
believe relatedness can bear change.
Beyond me there lies only confusion
what a limited way to see.
Once upon a time
meaning came
from brain coils exposed
my solutions to pain
seemed valuable.
We’re from the same place
different charge
New York City sprawls
and this is not the part
with memorized answers
these are not the halls
of my test-in school
no Park Slope streets
neat with jogging strollers
Yet, no war rages
here or there.
To speak your names means less than bells’
sound and reverberation side alike.
Here trouble is born
with normalcy            the street explodes
when a manhole fire erupts
power goes for days
people panic calmly
I do not know how to write
what is not mine to name
not my black is beautiful
not enough penance around,
no direct eye contact, no looking down,
no useful solutions as if I knew
sustenance, humility, acceptance
Your names repeat in my fitful sleep
I do not dream about my parents’ divorce anymore
I dream in silence            of fainting
and you carrying on
Reporters don’t meet deadlines
writing about dreams.
If I give you my brain
will that make my voice worthwhile?
I will let dust procreate
in the name of meaning,
eat everything in sight,
fuel my torment,
believe in doesn’t-matter.
Forget paperwork:
ungraded papers,
stacked, sing
independence.
I strangle anxiety.
The blank page
will not phase me.
Today I will not clean the apartment
before getting started
I will let dust procreate
in the name of meaning
Today I will eat everything in sight
before eyeing the calories
fuel my ticker-typing torment
believe in not matter
Today I will forget the paperwork
before noticing the due dates
my desk ungraded papers stacked
will sing their independence
Today I will strangle anxiety
before glancing the blank page
worthlessness will not phase me
my thoughts amounting profound
Today I will write.
The quiet intimacies
how people do
not touch
The angles of middle age
couples
Child asleep at the table
folded over two chairs
dressed up in tablecloth
trombone in ear
She rarely sees his hand in hers
the secret things
not meant to be
seen.
You and I are in counseling
rather we dream in dream
about being
in counseling.
You refuse eye contact
I stare.
A show plays, a bicyclist jumps
building tops
on his bike, uplifted by balloons.
I lineup to attempt
this stunt
reminding me of Christmas
a tree decoration my mom still has:
a tandem bike
they rode their honeymoon.
I told you once
you would blue
before you heard me
saying you
are beautiful.
I’ll say your name
again and again
as soft as it takes
to tickle your neck
making my breath
echo these walls
long after gone
constant
where’re your ears fall
almost by muff
aloneliness overcome
by confidence
instilled
eyes unaverted
legs spread me wide
asleep
you still            riding
head above
feeling
what you only reflect
deep, deep love
drift to sleep
thinking
shit
how lucky
that guy was.
Morning you awake
earlier than most conceive
carve a space for yourself
a fraction, peace,
a modicum only
time to delegate
will yourself out
the equation was solved for zero
a silhouette would due
you’ve imprinted on someone
done what you could do
linoleum carved yourself away
and still
reforming like agar
like miracle.
Lover if I call you too loud,
tell me no.
Tell me not to rush
when to let go.
Don’t let me take your breath
when you feel pain
admit it
declare it
say your own name.
You are time entitled
by my side
I’ll squeeze you
until your insides
revile
overflow taking over
blood the whole page
pieces and more pieces
add up to mosaic
each in its place
those decisions you made
were ok.
Before you blue
I will not give up
you’ll believe it
too.
P.S. Let the sun in there